Passive Aggressive Husband - Latest Comments

Re: Ask Nora

Nora Femenia — Wed, 16 May 2012 02:48:45 -0000

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Re: Ask Nora

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Re: Passive Aggression: The New American Epidemic?

MirroredTruth — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 12:07:31 -0000

I've been with my husband for about 6 years now. We met when we were teens as we were neighbors. We clearly had an attraction to each other although we never really dated. He would definitely make me feel like he was so attracted to me but he never really asked me to "offiicially " be his girlfriend. Looking back now, I remember feeling confused and like I wasn't good enough for him. But I didn't understand why, I always thought I must be the problem. I was coming from a home where my stepfather was an alcoholic, and my mom would take out her frustrations on me. I had good grades, wasn't a "problem child" but I was unloved and abused by my Mother. I felt alone, unlovable and was really hurting. All I dreamed of
was to find myself loving someone and having someone love me back.I dreamed of a successful, respectfu, loving relationship. But that never happened. I feel like I've gone unconsiously in a circle that I didn't want to be a part of but somehow could never avoid. To make a long story short, after our teen years and when we became adults, my now husband and I went our own ways and he married someone and also divorced as I did as well. When we met again as adults, I thought wow, this must be another opportunity life is giving us to be together, now older and wiser. So I thought...
We started dating and eventually got married. In the time we've been married I've had serious accidents and I think it's due to lack of focus and confusion I've felt and been affected by due to my terribly abusive marriage. I alsohave suffered depression and anxiety. At first, he made me feel like he was such a gentleman, but after we got married he showed me another side of him I never knew. He has made me feel so unwanted by his rejections and his constant blame for anything and everthing. For instance,during the time I was hurt in an accident and when I asked for his assistance he told me "I'm not here to cater to you". At first I took it as a joke, but then I noticed he was serious about it. In my mind I thought he was just having a bad day, but I was really hurt. As time progressed I noticed more and more how he was so uncaring, unloving, neglectful, blaming me for everything,lying, giving me the silent treatment, witholding sex, (even stopping in the middle of intimacy and telling me that I had done something wrong to him and that he couldn't go on). I felt so degradated and angry. He would ignore me when I spoke to him and he would say he didn't hear me. If or whenever I tried to hold a convesation about the issues that were affecting the relationship he would raise his voice and start yelling, or would talk over me until it became an argument because he refused to hear me out, and NEVER had any accountability for his actions. Or he would "forget" anything that was important to me. Would not remember to give me anthing for my birthday, or any special occasion, and if he did, would always give it to me late. A perfect example is last Christmas he had my present all wrapped up in a corner of our bedroom for 2 months before I would receive it.I got my Christmas present late in Feb 2012. Oh and he was laid off from work more that 3 years ago and he is STILL unemployed and not making any concerted efforts in getting employment.This morning he now blamed me for being an inpediment for him to seek and obtain employment. He has also blame me for his ex-wife taking him to child support court for not paying child support. When he leaves the house he'll go to his mother's house and make social calls, watch TV, and he claims to go job searching online and applying to employment but when I ask to show me proof he doesn't. In the meantime, due to so much stress at home and at work, I became so affected by these toxic situations, that I fell into depression, and anxiety. I haven't been able to work and all the financial responsibilities are on me-but he'll do nothing to help the situation. I been taken to court for late rent payments, going crazy to make ends meet, without losing myself completely. Today, I know that I have to get out of this marriage, which has left me dumbfounded, although I really don't have the funds to get a divorce right now. I wish I would have acted before when still had a better chance , than now where I've been so negatively affected. So the lesson I've learned is,... that I shouldn't have allowed myself to wait until I had so much anger, felt so defeated, with little self esteem, and that I shouldn't have allowed someone else to cause me to doubt myself and to go through so much pain and suffering.-- because I will need great strenght to be able to get out of such an abusive, confusing,toxic situation.

Re: Help: I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children!

Janet — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 00:57:25 -0000

I wanted to add to what I had written above....it's also understanding that as the wives we are the opposite side of the same coin.....we both have attachment issues going on. People show up with the story of their life in a marriage.....what they brought with them is how they learned to manage conflict....there is "direct control" vs "passive control".....passive people see direct control as very threatening as that was not acceptable within their biological home.....they could only achieve their needs by coming in the back door.....I do think once each person is willing to understand that the "other" is not the enemy but someone who believes he is doing the best he can as you are donig the best you can then we level the playing field. We are all one and the same.....within that it's finding forgivenss and replacing our arrogance with humility. In fact we have been the best growth gift and teacher to us despite the pain.....the "other" presented our early years to us....we actually married the combination of both of our parents but didn't see that initially....the gift is there to heal the past....integrate the emotional wound/charge so it will stop running each other's life.....once this can be achieved the gift is that we both finally get to grow up. Once we better understand and respect what each person is trying to achieve with their behaviours then compassion can blossom....the one needing space can have it without the other feeling abandoned and the one needing closeness can have it without the other feeling smothered. It's a process and one which I wish my spouse was willing to look at. I believe life can calm down but it takes two willing partners who wish to attain "awakened monogamy" not immature monogamy where we are always fighting the other. Passive aggressive people push against therapy because it makes them feel vulnerable in expressing their insecurities and where they grew up expressing your needs or vulnerabilities was shot down or not valued....they were shamed for it and then punished so for them to break out of that ingrained shell is very difficult.....I think what I came to understand that we all think the other should know better even though we didn't either. You were both doing the best you could with what you were raised with....and until both of your 'false egos" are unearthed they will keep running the show....the 5 year olds are at play duking it out to see who will win but this is not some schoolyard altercation. Therapy will help each person to grow up and become the person they were meant to be before life got a hold of them and imprinted them.

Janet

Re: Help: I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children!

Nora Femenia — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 08:23:37 -0000

Janet,
thanks for responding, your suggestion is head on, and a very basic one...but very necessary to recover your own self. There is not an equivalent suggestion that gets to the core of the problem of recovery of our own identity. So much is the damage done....it takes a serious effort to get back on track.

Re: Help: I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children!

Janet — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 01:28:42 -0000

Knowing what I know now I would say that seeking therapy for yourself is crucial even if he won't attend with you. So much of your self has been eroded away by living with a man with those behaviours. It happens slowly until one day you barely recognize yourself. Now my child was grown and away at university when we parted due to his drinking....which he was doing because he was so unhappy....an unhappiness that he wanted to blame on me....remember passive aggressives won't carry anything....it's remembering that within any emotional confrontation you are connecting to what I call the "5 year old boy". So therapy for you is crucial and the sooner the better. The sooner you can reclaim those parts of yourself that you have lost along the way the better. You will find out what parts of yourself allowed yourself to match up with this type of person. It will take time to resurrect yourself and of course with three children finding that time will be hard but please make the time for yourself. The enabling has to stop and there is always a reason for the enabling. I learned a lot via "imago" therapy about childhood triggers and why we match up with the person we are with. I have been separated from my husband for 3 years during which time we did some therapy and despite his broken down moments he is still choosing to live in his world of denial. Taking repsonsiblity for themselves is very hard due to the shame/blame/punishment cycle they were raised with. But it's important to realize that you aren't his mother a role that seems to play out with this type of man. They prefer shining the mirror on others rather than themselves becasuse they don't want to feel bad about themselves.

So the best solution I can offer you as I have done therapy for myself on and off for over 3 years as well as read countless books is to "run" to a therapist's office for support and for uncovering yourself before you are no more than a shadow of your former self.

Best of luck......Janet

Re: Seeing Eye to Eye With Your Passive Aggressive Husband

Nora Femenia — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 19:06:17 -0000

Thanks Tina for your appreciation, we are happy reading positive words...Perhaps you could suggest to your husband to get a look to this page?
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Re: Seeing Eye to Eye With Your Passive Aggressive Husband

Tina — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 10:33:08 -0000

This is a great post and an informative blog. My husband and I completed an Interpsersonal Behavior Survey with our marriage counselor (the 7th one in 2 years) and the survey showed that he scored in the 80th percentile with passive aggressiveness. This post (and the blog) are quite helpful since we both made a decision that divorce simply is not an option. I hate when he gives me the cold shoulder yet I have noticed that during our heated discussions, I tend to look away or in space. I do get frustrated so now I am going to practice looking at him directly and figuring out a different approach. Thank you all so much for this platform and sharing!

Re: Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Husband: 5 Questions to Ponder Before Moving On

Nora Femenia — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 09:38:16 -0000

Yes, I do!
First, marriage is an interaction; without blaming yourself, ask the question: what behaviors of mine are connected or happen before his anger? If you can identify what makes him angry, then you can talk with him: "when I do X, you get upset...why is this? does my doing X rattles you in a deep way? what were you expecting? what do you see yourself getting? because this anger is so unexpected; wasn't there when we fell en love with each other, and is not related in intensity or reason to what I do, do you care to examine where it is coming from?
(Having a clinical attitude towards his anger will help you not to blame him, and keep your cool; will help him see that you are above his explosions and trying to find a reason for them What about there could be a reason on some malfunctioning of his brain? I'd talk even of going to the doctor's because: "this is so different from who you are, the loving man I married, that there must be something wrong going on somewhere...")

Keep saying to him: I miss the lovely, wonderful man I married; I'm waiting and wishing that man to be here in my life....and whatever is going on inside you, is something I can't control by changing my behavior. However, I can do this: If we agree that my doing X upsets you, I can try not to do it, while you find out the root of this deep feeling that was there way before our getting married....

Another suggestion: when both of you are having a non-confrontational time, perhaps at dinner time, you can propose: "when we are here, peacefully having dinner together, I feel really good. I wish and really need we could have more times like this. Would you like to talk with me as to how we can treat each other better?"

What I'm doing here is teaching you to mirror to him the man you fell in love with. There is something disturbing him we don't know about, (the responsibilities of being married?, or growing up? who knows) and he needs a bit of humane help to realize you are not his enemy. Keeping calm, talking about the good times, and appreciating him when he is at his best could confirm his new situation (being married) as good, and positive, and something he wants.

Can you put the best pictures of this wonderful man all around the house? Blow them up, and put them visible...

You can try to be this positive, ignore his temper tantrums (as if NOT directed to you, but as a sign of an immature aspect of him), for three months...After that, if he is not able to see the wonderful, supportive and loving person you are, you can divorce him, without regrets.
Do we have a plan here? Do you have the stamina and strength of character to follow through? With my best regards

Re: Divorcing A Passive Aggressive Husband: 5 Questions to Ponder Before Moving On

Lconstable — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 16:09:28 -0000

I really don't know what to do. I married a man who appeared to be sweet and wonderful while we were dating, but who turned into a different person after we were married. I could just kick myself. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to be manipulated and not realize it. I am considering divorce, but just don't know if I have the strength to deal with his anger and vengfulness. I keep asking myself why I stay, and I tell myself I need to get away from it, but I cannot seem to take the leap. Do yo have any suggestions?

Re: Recovering After Divorcing a Passive Aggressive Husband

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Re: Passive Aggression: The New American Epidemic?

Monique50 — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 20:28:47 -0000

I am so happy to read these posts. I am currently in the middle of a divorce from my own passive-aggressive husband.

Linda, you have expressed so eloquently, and so darn accurately, EVERYTHING I've been going through for almost 15 years. I could never talk to my husband without him making everything about him. As you said, just to feel sorry for himself.

I too kept thinking if he loved me he would "see" his neglect and selfishness and how much he was hurting me by withholding sex. But, he didn't. When I quit begging for sex, we completely quit having it. Completely.

I'm now trying to get over the bitterness that is so deep in my soul. Thank you for speaking up so beautifully.

Re: Defending yourself from love with passive aggression?

non-BPD wife — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 09:19:49 -0000

So if you are the 'non-PA husband'.... you are BPD and your wife the PA. I'm the PA wife of what I think is BPD husband. Our traits are exacerbated by each other...when I try and disengage, he comes at me 'exponentially'. My disengagement is PA...but it is also a coping mechanism...we both have BAD HABITS that drive each other away..

Re: Ask Nora

Nora Femenia — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 23:56:56 -0000

Dear Al Orne,
I understand your frustration, reflected in your famous phrase: single in a marriage with three children. I could not be more clear: you are feeling completely abandoned by him. As you describe him, he is acting as if he is detached from you completely. Is he detached also from the children? If so, there is little hope that he would show his affection for your group as a family.
Regardless what can or can't have happened in the past to cause this degree of emotional independence between you two, the gap is serious.
You don't say clearly if you approach him when he behaves badly or sometimes you reach out at him in more calm times...It would be useful here to see if there is any way of getting a reaction from him: if you don't say anything when he behaves badly, but decide to appreciate the little "right behaviors," like driving the kids to school, or paying the bills, or doing something common but necessary for the functioning of the home. This last situation should surprise him; he is not expecting from you any positive comment! if you can stop chasing him with PA readings, and do something extraordinary like appreciating something he has done, that will shake him up, and you would know that you can move him somehow and that his shield is not so impenetrable. Try to shake him, surprising him somehow, only to feel that you have the power to do so....and you will discover that there are things left in your power. That will make you feel a bit better.
Hope this is clear, even if you can see it as a bitter pill; but you need to recover some self-esteem now.

Re: How to Keep a Negative Husband Away

Nora Femenia — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 11:43:05 -0000

Rachel,
thanks for sharing with us the details of your situation...is clear that it is teaching your children to behave in the same way...Have you tried to stop the "it's your fault" blaming piece? perhaps if the children hear you saying loud and clear: "I'm not OK, and will do something to improve now," the blaming could stop.
Going back to the mirroring: that is the great problem of being near a person who can't access and share his/her internal life and emotions...We all have some mirror neurons who learn by copying what is done to us, and what we see. Probably you took the blame for his wrong behaviors by mirroring and also to keep him not getting into a frenzy of blaming others and showing aggression. Now, you need to watch yourself: ask if what you are feeling is your right feeling about a situation: (did I do something wrong? If yes, then do repair; if not, then drop the guilt).
Try to say in loud voice: "I take responsibility for my actions..." as many times as you are convinced you can separate your actions from other person's actions, and manage only yours. Your kids will benefit from you taking responsibility for your actions, and from you don't blaming others for what is your responsibility. Once they are familiar with this good behavior, they will see their father's behavior so much clearly...
Wishing you well,

Re: How to Keep a Negative Husband Away

Rachel — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 08:21:24 -0000

Shoots, I just had to come back to say..that is how sick this whole PA thing is..that I would put part blame on myself for his sake. My PA behaviors are barely noticeable compared to his..&I am, nearly everytime, reacting to and somehow mirroring his behavior!! Is that even possible? I would always be willing to shine the light on myself over shining it over him..so he doesn't get 'mad' at me...so wrong..I can't believe I let this happen. Am I ever going to recover, this whole separation started and finally became real this time...because I told him I wouldn't have sex with him anymore, after this last time he disrespected me during sex. Then he decided to move out..so this is all new to us..I suggested therapy&trying to remain married for the children's sake, but I feel it is futile.

Re: How to Keep a Negative Husband Away

Rachel — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 08:05:24 -0000

Wow, I wish I had known more of this info on PA earlier..I just separated from my husband last week. I believe we are BOTH Passive-Agressive..or we have switched roles over our 10 year relationship. I'm not sure you can consider our marriage sexless if the minimal amount of sex we had was great/uninhibited. But I felt it was becoming too disfunctional and we both are attracted to others but won't admit it for fear of hurting each other or just plain guilt. The thing is..our whole relationship revolves around this type of, "I'm not okay, and it's your fault," energy. I can't take it anymore. It is unhealthy for our whole family&it is teaching the children how to behave PA&how to seek out a PA partner. As sad as it is to end it, we must. I am hoping to become an Anthropologist in the field someday(working on my bA)

Re: Ask Nora

Goldy55 — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 15:34:57 -0000

Dear Al: I hope you don't mind if you explain what the definition of "stuck in a marriage, but I am single w/3 children. Let's start with this answer & I believe you might be in the right place.

Re: Ask Nora

Al Orne — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 14:59:59 -0000

I showed this website to my husband. Obviously, he just walked off without saying a word. LOL.

Re: Ask Nora

Al Orne — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 14:22:00 -0000

Hello. Just found this website. My life is crumbling, largely because I have a completely passive aggressive husband. I like the advice I have seen so far but don't think they're relevant to my situation because I don't think my husband would mind one bit if I ignored him when he behaved badly. He wouldn't even notice. In fact, if I didn't talk to him or look at him or touch him or anything ever again, he wouldn't give it a second thought. I am single and yet stuck in a marriage with three children. Any advice welcome. Thanks.

Re: How to Keep a Negative Husband Away

ANON — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 14:31:12 -0000

This article explains why when I lose weight and feel happy with myself, he starts fights and says horrible things to me. I gained weight this week and when he found that out, he was nicer. REAL F**KING SICK.

Re: Why We Choose The Wrong Partner for Us

J. — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 11:12:17 -0000

My reaction includes the above 3. Married too young (19) and I wanted to get away from an emotionally controlling father who was abusive to me as a child. I am a total people pleaser who attracts emotional vampires. Oh my, if only I had known back then ....

Re: Why We Choose The Wrong Partner for Us

Exwife — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 04:43:35 -0000

Um...I just read your advice on how to handle a passive-aggressive ex-husband. It's totally bizarre, and seems to boil down to "suck it up, stand there and take whatever crap he doles out, for the good of the children." Not only is that bad advice for women, but it's bad advice for parenting, because that's how you teach the children to just line up for passive-aggressive abuse.

I think a more reasonable response is to line up good therapeutic help for the children, surround them with supportive people who can teach them what being treated well means, and keep your (good, tough) lawyer handy. Will the guy take it out on the kids, yes. Can you do anything about that...you can mitigate via therapy and better environments away from the dad, and you can stand ready to head back to court as soon as the children show signs of suffering that rise to a level the court will pay attention to. You can also go back to court when the children are older, if they refuse to see him, and reduce their contact with him as far as is possible.

Standing in line for abuse...bad idea.

Re: Ask Nora

Nora Femenia — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 18:16:25 -0000

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Re: Ask Nora

Nora — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 17:11:23 -0000

Lesley,
I have no predetermined answer to your question.If he thought that this kind of proposition would enhance his own sexual disposition, I guess that he got frustrated. The dynamics of PA doesn't play very well including others...you are supposed to be the only recipient of his frustrating moves. When it didn't happen as he imagined, then comes his surprise, because in that way you stopped being controlled by his usual antics.
You can go ahead with your proposal, but be very aware that there is not a lot of space in this game and he will flip, or do something to go back to the status quo....