Passive Aggressive Husband - Latest Comments

Re: Two To Tango? The Dance of A Passive Aggressive Husband And His Victim Wife

Katrena — Wed, 17 Sep 2014 13:47:31 -0000

I am living this also. Mine is a marriage counselor besides. I think he was trying to find answers for his own problems by choosing this profession. He hasn't found them. He became this way after 25 years of marriage. We are now married 52 years. He has few friends, but he doesn't open up to anyone. He is not close to our children or families. People think he is a nice, quiet professional. I just live my life and hope that I live long enough to be free someday.

Re: When is the right moment to leave a passive aggressive man?

kittyminovitch — Wed, 17 Sep 2014 01:58:44 -0000

As far as this new "girlfriend," their "relationship" will most certainly go the way yours did with him, if its any compensation. My husband of 14 yrs said "he has met somebody" I almost feel that its good, as he will certainly start the same PA games that he did with me and maybe he will get a glimpse of his real self and behavior.

Re: Ask Nora

LaTonia Gray — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 11:11:35 -0000

Do you have any posts about parenting with a PA husband?

Re: Questions and Answers about Passive Aggressive behaviors

ALL — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 04:57:59 -0000

Reading over a lot of these comments over the past few hours I noticed that quite a few ladies mention divorcing and remarrying the PA a few years later or separating the PA for period of time with intention that emotional /spiritual marriage was over only to end up back under the same roof and the same or worse circumstances at the hands of the PA. I, too, am a member of this club. Is this a typical action for a pa when faced with the reality of losing another mother figure?

Re: Questions and Answers about Passive Aggressive behaviors

ALL — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 04:13:48 -0000

I am going through the process of divorcing my PA Marine husband right now. Girl, I have to tell you that a year ago (and also 3 years ago) I found myself in much the same practical financial /conundrum that you are facing now. Being the enabling optimist and good wife I was determined to be, I counted on a plan and agreement we made together that I was going to stop working and go back to school full time.
I wish I could have even imagined in my wildest nightmares how much worse things would get as a result of that decision to trust him AGAIN. It gave him the knowledge that I was willing to buy his bs in a way that made me vulnerable (as you should be able to be with your spouse!). And vulnerable me changed the the entire game. I no longer had the option of cutting my losses if he dared screw up too terribly badly for too long a period without action and attention.

I stayed in it after that because I had cut off my own legs and become dependent on someone that I never ever fully
fully trusted to think as a "we" or make rational, well informed decisions. The budget and haveousehold finances that we used to fight over because of his atrocious spending habits became fights over "his" money... Now, I only have a roof over my head as I sit here writing this because another Marine brought to his command's attention the fact that he was leaving me to go on deployment in 2 weeks (this was last September)with no place to live, no source of income, no money, no car, about to undergo the first in a series of left and right major shoulder surgeries, AND NEWLY SHOCKED BY GETTING SERVED WITH DIVORCE PAPERS! His command charged him with abandonment and gave me a house on base. He still has found a way to make that my fault, by the way. And now he holds me in purgatory as I am physically unable to move myself after surgery, living off 300 monthly, and dealing with serious debt and mind games thanks to him and his very litigious lawyer.

PS without kids or real property this divorce shouldn't be in the double digits of lawyer bills (mine) and unsettled a year later.

Whatever you need to do, do it. Even it means squirreling away 20 bucks a week, you can prevent yourself from the hell of losing yourself and your identity, independence, serenity, sense of humor and being tortured by a constant state of anxiety because part of you knows that it doesn't matter what his mood is tonight - you gave up your power when you knew better and now you're stuck.

Re: Questions and Answers about Passive Aggressive behaviors

ALL — Mon, 08 Sep 2014 03:42:36 -0000

Uh oh. I think we all are seeing the young brides that we once were in this.
The first thing that I wish I had known is that my intuition is AWESOME (something worn down into dust to the point where I was riddled with self doubt and debilitating anxiety until circumstances kept us from even having contact for more than 3 months).
If you feel like something isn't "quite right" o- you're right. The fact that you are even looking at a website like this means that your subconscious mind is screaming for you to pay attention.

A couple things to notice: The fact that If there are urgent things around the house that he is ignoring means that a) he's not on top of his responsibilities b) if he usually or sometimes is, then it's acts like refusing to listen (communicate) or complete (getting you either more worked up with frustration, feeling of emotional apathy from spouse) is ideal for him to act out the role of overbearing mother and rebellious child.

I will say, I believe that my ex husband loved me the best way he knew how to.... It just was soul sucking in the end. Your husband not connecting to you or your child could be indicative of a more serious personality disorder (examples being narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, disassociative personality, sociopathic personality, and even psychopathic personality disorder). Folks with these disorders rarely are aware on a conscious level. They simply apply highly sharpened skills of deceit in personal interactions as a method for obtaining a way to meet their own needs.

Re: Do you Ignore, Suffer, or Confront Passive Aggressive Behavior?

Patty Roberts — Thu, 28 Aug 2014 19:42:13 -0000

Wow, I am so sorry for you. I have been in a two year relationship and just found out about three months ago that I was not nuts. Just learning that this person had a disorder, gave me relief and a sense of contol in an uncontrollable situation. I am a writer, where after ever incident I write out the details trying to look for patterns. I know today one trigger, as I am sure there are more. What I experience is the pulling away when I give a response he does not like. That's his way to control his feelings, since it does trigger like your husband a past very long term marriage that was not healthy. Of course finding a trigger and lexipro makes it so it does not mess with my self-esteem. P.A's seem to be attracted to people who have a questionable low self-esteem. So, in order for us to deal, if we are in a situation where we have to like you, is to do evdrything to strengthen you self-esteem cause it is a form of mental abuse whether they understand how thier actions or there lack of effect thier partner. I have to believe they do not know how to fix themself and God knows it is not our job to fix them. I'm not married to the man so I have an out. Unfortunetly, I don't like to throw out the bath water. At least not yet! Oh forgot to say, last timewe broke up and he gave me a love letter, I printed off everything I could find on passive aggressive and gave it to him. Figured if he was not aware, well he knows now. Of course, it was good for months, he did read it on his own and then with me so I could give him examples. But after I set off a trigger he reverted back. Eventually you'll just get numb, and not care what he does. Find a life outside him, that is something I am going to try and do. Be selfish your worth it.

Re: “MY SEXLESS MARRIAGE” CONVERSATION

Sameena — Tue, 26 Aug 2014 03:18:06 -0000

I agree with mooncusser, move on with your life. Trust me, you will only waste more time with this man. his satisfaction in life comes from depriving you of your satisfaction. Even if he had normal testosterone, he wont fulfill your sexual needs (or emotional needs) for that matter. His fun in this relationship is to see you suffer. A PA is a classic parasite and a covert meanie

Re: Do you Ignore, Suffer, or Confront Passive Aggressive Behavior?

Katie — Thu, 21 Aug 2014 05:49:45 -0000

My husband is passive aggressive. It has taken me 5 years to finally realize this. I don't believe he was always this way. He was married to a sociopathic women who cheated on him with so many men, then finally left him for a man 35 years older than her (and him). Basically she left him for a man who was 75 years old. My husband was 40 at the time. He knew about the cheating, but she was such an excelled liar that she denied and lied and somehow made him drop the subject all together. My husband was in this relationship 10 years because they have 2 children. My husband was just trying to survive by taking care of the kids on his own and work to pay the bills. She worked but her money went towards trips to the Bahamas with her lover. She had May husband convinced that she was in town picking kids up from day care and then working late. All while she was out of the country. I think my husband learned to shut up, say nothing, avoid confrontation because his wife was vicious. I know this for myself because she has been nothing but a nightmare to me since I married my husband, her ex. Even though she is already remarried to grandpa Moses. I am an up front person. My parents had no problems expressing anger, love, disappointment, affection, happiness..etc.. I grew up in a very good and safe atmosphere. And I am pretty sure my husband did to. I had 3 sisters. My husband was the only child. I never really knew what passive aggressive was. Until I became desperate and was googling all kinds of things that I was feeling. And passive aggressive came up and I realized my husband was passive aggressive. It All MADE SENSE. But now I pretty much feel hopeless, since I do think he is unaware of his ways. Even though I have told him how I feel he doesn't tell me anything. I feel he us sneaky and secretive. I feel if I ignored him he wouldn't even care or notice. I basically have to cause an all out dramatic screaming and crazy acting fight to get a small response out of him. He has promised to "work " on it. But I have heard it before many times. It never changes. We have been together a total of 6 years and I have never been to his office where he works. I do not think that he is having an affair. He is home every night at 530. He doesn't leave. Although I did catch him looking up porn which I was devastated when I found that out. Because I never thought he was "that" guy. He was a good guy. Porn to me is just nasty. It's degrading to women. It's gross. It's sad. And I truly felt betrayed and heart broken. Because we had only been married about 2 years at the time. I am a pretty girl, I exercise and take care of my body. I am in shape. I am also 14 years younger than him. So I was and still am heartbroken at the fact he was looking up porn when I had taken HIS kids and my daughter to a concert (for kids) and he was just looking at porn while we were gone.. OMG just thinking about that night makes me feel sick... Why would you look up porn with your wife is way hotter than any of those girls that do that. It's a mystery I guess.
Anyways I am miserable... But my husband has set things up so that it is pretty hard for me to leave. He pays for my daughters private school and she is only 10 and loves her school dearly. Also when I met him and we married I moved 2 hours away from my home town and family and friends. So it's not like I am down the road from my mother and dad and sisters anymore.. I don't tell my mom the way I am feeling because she would worry about me and have a heart attack. I don't want my older mother worrying about me. Believe me I was a hellion in high school , I have worried her enough for a life time. But I don't know what to do. I have ignored, started fights, confronted calmly, locked myself in the guest bedroom (gave my daughter a key so she could come in) because I wasn't locking the door and barricading myself in there so I could sulk. I just didn't want to see his face because I felt so much angry and hate toward him. He has no emotional human connections to anyone. Not even his children. I noticed a while back that me and him only talk about the most shallow things. Like what the weather man said, like "it might rain" of what the plan for dinner is. It's just stupid. I am lonely. I am not out looking for someone else. I want to make this work. But at this point and all the research I have done I don't believe he will ever wake up and change. I have told him that I felt he was not open because it is how he had to survive when he was married to his ex. But I have reassured him, that it is safe to show his feeling with me. I mean I have never been afraid to show mine. I feel hopeless, and my quality of life seems to be declining. Since moving here 5 years ago, I have not really met any friends, made a life here. My self esteem seems to be suffering. And lately I hate leaving the house, I mean I feel sick when I have to go anywhere that a lot of people will be. Oh and I may have become a cat hoarder since marrying him. I have rescued 5 cats since living here and they are all in door. We live in a large home, but when I tell people I have 5 cats, their jaw drops, like it's shocking. But I had to save these cats. They needed me and they still do. I think my passive aggressive husband is causing me to lose my mind. I am not the same girl I was 6 years ago. Im not positive. I lose my temper easily, and I stress out about EVERYTHING! I just want to give up. But I don't because my daughter needs me, I am all she has.

Re: Ask Nora

Victoria Easterday — Fri, 08 Aug 2014 13:17:02 -0000

Dear Mari
Just read your post. Is it possible for one person to live in two places at the same time? If not, how is it posstble we are living with the same man!
Please keep posting as you progress and learn how to live with your situation, I need to learn from others who are working with this same situation.
Best of luck!

Re: Why secrecy is part of passive aggression?

Mark — Tue, 22 Jul 2014 19:10:58 -0000

"Perhaps allowing him to keep his secrets, giving him permission to withdraw in his cave and sulk there, is the only way of giving him what he needs."

I came to help my very passive-aggressive brother a few years ago. I did not realize at the time that he had such a pervasive problem. I thought his secrecy was majorly paranoid at one point until I started researching passive-aggressive behavior. However, just allowing one to withdraw to his cave and sulk there (which he has been doing for a few years) in total secrecy only makes things worse I think. His paranoia, secrecy and his constant planning and scheming to hurt those around him simply gets worse as he refuses to discuss anything (he has been giving me the silent treatment since 2008).

This is all coming to an end this week though as I lost my job and can't pay rent, so as a good passive-aggressive should he's cutting me loose and leaving me high-and dry...so I have to find a place to stay with a friend.

Re: Why he has to do such nasty behavior?

Nora Femenia — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 17:51:37 -0000

Dear missed,
Yours is such a sad story! is so hard to think that he knew he was dying and even then he could not have a considerate attitude towards you, his caretaker. Given this mean, selfish and vindictive attitude of his, the worst thing that could happen to you would be to get stuck on the thought that all your love has been squandered. Really, you have done the best job you could do, and now is the best time to leave everything behind you. As he tried to make you poorer and to limit your life the most he could, it is your duty to enlarge your life and bring as much joy as you can...I'd suggest that you can begin by cleaning the house of all his things that you can give away or trash. Think of it as a symbolic cleaning, where you take all the negativity he left behind to its right place: the dumpster.
After that, change the house, paint walls, move furniture and find the best spaces for you and your hobbies. This is called "recovering your home for health and peace." Will take some time, but keep going cleaning all his things.

Wish that you can find a better life.

Re: Why he has to do such nasty behavior?

Nora Femenia — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 17:40:46 -0000

You can always trust google, right? http://passiveaggressivewif... is waiting for you!

Re: Why he has to do such nasty behavior?

Alex Scotto — Mon, 14 Jul 2014 16:56:54 -0000

What about if is it a Passive Agressive Wife Instead? Any suggestion please.

Re: Why secrecy is part of passive aggression?

LouLou — Fri, 11 Jul 2014 06:08:53 -0000

SolAnge, this sounds exactly like a man in Seattle that my friend is dating.
She is not happy as he does not open up emotionally and when he does he usually is a victim, of her (of course).
She drives herself crazy trying to figure things out. I tell her it is hi and that she should move on to other relationships. I do not trust him and he hurts her without her seeing it!
I am going to show her this email!

Re: Why he has to do such nasty behavior?

missed out on alot — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 18:42:14 -0000

My PA husband passed away 2 weeks ago. He got sick with brain cancer and ended up needing me to take care of everything for him which I did. Now I feel so betrayed because I found out while taking care of him all of the lies that I suspected were true. Even in the face of death he could not let go of the need to get back at me for things I never did to him. He tried to give our house and all our things away behind my back. He assigned all his life insurance to his kids and he tried to get me stuck with a line of credit to pay back without me knowing. Fortunately none of that happened. I also found out he was watching pornography and was signed up on Match. com even though he never contacted anyone. When I confronted him he just said nothing or tried to blame it off on my self esteem problems. I had really hoped for a change in the face of death and I had hoped he would see how much I loved him at the end but never did or if he did he never said. He did say once that I did not deserve all the things he did to me.

Re: How to deal with a passive aggressive husband

Mari — Thu, 03 Jul 2014 14:11:20 -0000

Thank you very much for this. Very helpful, indeed! I have found, over the years, trying to convince him to do family activities, or trips ends up making all of us miserable; he usually found a way to make the trip as unenjoyable as possible, if he went, when he didn't want to. I'm focusing on making plans, without this crazy dynamic, and if he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to; I'll have fun on my own. I know it will cause so much less stress in the long run, and the trip won't be ruined. I have waited for him to be cooperative for years, and I'm done. I want and need and deserve to have a good life, and am going to do the things that make me fulfilled

Re: Ask Nora

Mari — Thu, 03 Jul 2014 00:05:56 -0000

I'm so sorry, Aine, to hear you are going through all of this. You need to get away from this man, asap! Is there a women's advocacy center you can call?How are you doing now?

Re: Ask Nora

Mari — Wed, 02 Jul 2014 23:49:55 -0000

I'm so glad to have found this page, and just finished, " Silent marriage." I am so eager to start implementing what I've learned.

I feel like I've hit a wall in my marriage, and day by day, I'm losing more of myself.

We have been together 11 yrs, married for nine years. From the beginning, I know we were drawn to each other to meet unmet childhood needs through each other ( unhealthy set-up), but we also had a great friendship together. One of the initial things that drew me to him was that he was so quiet, not at all like the raging alcoholic father I had feared as a child. I noticed he appeared almost too quiet at times, and sometimes, would not respond to basic questions. I thought it odd, but at the time, he didn't seem unkind about it.

As our dating relationship progressed, I became witness to his mother's behavior around him, as well as his family, in general. I never once saw her hug him. I would eventually learn that, his entire childhood, she yelled and controlled him through her anger, and his father, was absent. Still, our relationship progressed, and things seemed fine. He wanted to be in a relationship with me, that is until we got married.

Almost immediately, he became withdrawn, shut down, depressed. He began to pick fights; he was angry all of the time; I felt I was walking on eggshells. He became very demeaning, and if I ever cried, and went to him for comfort, he would say in a cold, disdainful tone, " I won't touch you, until you calm down." Our dynamic worsened, and I found myself highly triggered by behaviors I could not understand. I became angry in response, trying to defend myself, and was triggered into my own issues of being abused and controlled by trusted men in my childhood.

The cycles have continued since that time, and I've only recognized them for what they are, after reading The Silent Marriage book.

The more time has gone on, the more I feel I have lost my husband, my family, and myself. Sometimes, I see small glimpses of the person I thought I knew, of a person who loves me, and wants to be close to me, but it's becoming less and less.

He creates more distance between us, including our 6 year old daughter, who is afraid to go to her father to meet any need; she knows he will be angry with her, so I am left to meet all of her needs, which I know, I cannot. I feel like a single parent!

He obsessively watched tv and stays on the internet. If you try to engage him at all, he becomes very irritable, and withdraws even further. He is repelled by any affection I try to show him, and literally turns his face away from kisses, and holds his body away from me. Affection is only acceptable on his terms, and on his watch, which usually means, every couple of weeks. I feel like I'm starving to death from lack of care and affection. He knows how painful this is for me, which is why it's so much worse when he withholds affection and communication purposely, for long periods of time ( I usually have no idea what has triggered this mood). He also does not like to have any discussions at any time, and is usually repelled by any expectations put on him -from simple requests: "Please, give me a glass of water, I'm ill, to serious requests " It's urgent, we need to go the hospital." I have also found him hiding in a closet, after he randomly disappeared at night, for hours, and family called his phone, and searched for him. That's only the tip of the crazy behaviors I've seen him do, to run away..

I recently told him how much these behaviors are hurting me, and that I want him to heal, instead of more distance created between us. I encouraged counseling, and told him I can't go on like this anymore. I told him I loved him, and he looked like I had shamed him, and was extremely threatened. Then, silent treatment happened, over the following days.

I cannot go on like this. I feel like my spirit is breaking. I'm exhausted from living life alone, and walking on eggshells around him. If he isn't willing to get help, I can't stay. Is there any hope for someone with these behaviors? I'm only 31. I can't imagine another 30-40 years like this. Thank you so much for any feedback, and the excellent resources here. I can't wait to buy the next book!

Re: Ask Nora

Kabash — Sun, 08 Jun 2014 15:01:33 -0000

yes you did help! Everything you said is so true. I have already been trying some of the techniques you mentioned. Whenever he tries to blame me for stupid things I just kind of laugh and make a joke, I don't take it personal any more. I am like you, they are not bad people this is just their defense mechanism. Thanks so much for you post. We are going on a trip tomorrow and I am going to try my darndest to let him make all the decisions on where we eat and things and find something good about each place he choose and make him feel impowered because deep down I now realize he is just an insecure little boy but I do love him madly=) thanks again

Re: Ask Nora

Kabash — Fri, 06 Jun 2014 15:55:28 -0000

Hi- The last week has been a very enlightening experience in a good way. I am so relieved to get some confirmation that I am indeed not the main insecure one in the relationship as my PA man would have me believe. I say man instead of husband because we are not married as of yet. I have been living with him for 2 1/2 years and together for 5. He is 52 and I am 42. He has been married before for 10 years(she left him-I might add) and I have never been married. I do love this man immensely and would like to make this relationship work. Reading everything here, as well as some of your books Nora, leads to believe I can do that.
To be blunt our first issue is sex. We have sexual relations where I please him and he pleases me but he has not been able to penetrate me. He always goes soft right before entry. I know his "equipment" works because he is able to orgasm other ways. I have now come to understand after 5 years that he must go soft because of passive aggressiveness. He obviously doesn't want to lose himself to me-lose or give up control per say-experience true intimacy. It's so comforting to know that I am not wrong for having needs and wanting more from him. I have struggled because I have been thinking well it's because of his age and I didn't dwell on it because I was trying to protect his feelings by not saying anything.
Before reading all the information about PA I was thinking it was ED, but it didn't make sense that he was good to go as long as I was pleasing him. we talked a couple of times and he said "honestly babe, I don't know why it's happening" He refuses to go to a doctor to get Viagra because he is too embarrassed and I have sent him a link on where he could get it online instead a week ago-but nothing has gone on as of yet. He does know it is mental because he even said he didn't think Viagra would help with that-I said well it's worth a shot.
I have not addressed the issue now that I have read that it is clearly caused by his passive aggressiveness. My question to you is...Where do I go from here? How do I talk about it with him-Do I say it's PA right out and here's why or what? Please help me Nora. I want to know I tried everything before leaving him. Thanks so much for creating this site where we women can come together for help and advice.

Re: My husband’s cold shoulder made of my home a silent war zone

So Confused — Mon, 26 May 2014 21:13:16 -0000

I have been enduring the silent treatment for almost 2 years. 10 months ago I asked my then husband to love out of the house if he was not able to talk to me; to be honest with me and to stop pretending like I no longer exist. We are now divorced and the silent treatment continues even when I need advise about our teenage daughter. This person was never a husband; a man or a father. We have not had sex in 20 years (since the day our child was conceived); has not slept in the same bed with me x 15 years; lied about his employment; spent many hours every weekend with men and women- not inviting me- I was the idiot who held down a FT job during our entire marriage; forged my signature on tax return information thus preventing me seeing his lack of financial contribution to the family; stopped doing things as a family 7 years ago; stopped eating dinner as a family 5 years ago; spent 12 hours in the basement daily x 14 years- doing what I have no idea; would only help his friends with their stupid needs: fixing their cell phones; fixing their cars- instead of getting a FT job to support his family . Had a rage attack last year when I confronted him- regarding wanting to view 10 more years worth of tax return statements. My 2 questions are: #1: why would I remain in such a pathetic and loveless marriage? Is it because we had a child; #2: what do I tell my 19 year old daughter why our marriage fefl apart??

Re: Questions and Answers about Passive Aggressive behaviors

Dannewi — Thu, 22 May 2014 15:22:47 -0000

"If you are in a religious environment, you could even receive the message: don't fight against him, accept him as he is, and love him....which of course will confirm the entrapment, force you to accept the slow crazy-making and self-destruction in the name of submission to your husband. "

Thanks for your thoughts, I agree completely. My spouse came from a mixed religion family, father an atheist and very devout christian mother. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that we need to pray for our marriage and that we need to only consider "christian" counselors. We need as a couple to consider daily devotions and give our lives to God for healing. I believe that my FIl was the passive aggressive and my MIL relied on the bible and her children and friends for emotional support. I keep fighting the belief that prayer alone will resolve the issues in my marriage, especially after the light bulb went on last month that I have been married to a PA for 20 years. I have always said I do not want to end up like my MIL, extremely lonely in a marriage and having to rely on her children for emotional fulfillment. She put her spouse on a pedestal, never fought against him and accepted him as he was. She ended up lonely, broke, no personal identity, and moved a thousand miles away from her grandchildren and friends because she thought as a godly wife she was doing the right thing. And now my husband is following in his footsteps and I refuse to end up like her. Although I do believe in prayer, I highly doubt prayer is going to fix a PA marriage.

Re: Ask Nora

Aine — Wed, 21 May 2014 06:22:37 -0000

It is now at the stage where he does not talk to me gives me evil looks and I feel sick, the house is silent my son abuses me too, I am now not allowed to drive his car, I never leave the house, I only see two people and they talk to me like I am nothing, last night pa called me a cunt fucker, my father died a year ago and it has spiraled out of control, he dropped me off on the side of the rd once and drove off I got stabbed, I live in South Africa, I am a strong person but this is soul destroying, I went to get his keys and he grabbed me and told me to get the fuck out of his room. Nobody sees him for this, they all thing it is me.

Re: How to deal with a passive aggressive husband?

MariaAzul — Mon, 12 May 2014 11:37:06 -0000

I just realized that I am married to a passive-aggressive person. We have been in a relationship for five years and married almost three. He has three kids from previous marriage, one that ended pretty badly two years before I met him. The thing is, now that I know what the problem is, everything finally makes sense. The way he talks, he treats me and the kids sometimes, the silence treatment, the monosyllabic responses, the procrastination, everything. Now, I do not know what to do. I have been in counseling the that is how I came to know about his condition, he, by the way, refuses counseling completely and on top of everything, he has been having an affair for almost a year now, one that he does not want to give up, with a girl almost half his age. In other words, our marriage is a chaos, I have managed to live a more relaxed and peaceful life by shutting myself, we do not talk about things that make him uncomfortable (pretty much everything that is important) so our conversations now are pretty trivial. I do not know how to sustain my marriage on this terms, I know that there is nothing that I can do to change him. And, I also know that as long he is not treated he is going to keep abusing me, having me as his loyal servant, I cleaned after him and the kids, I do all the housework, he does not help at all, I have a job and I am writing my thesis to get my master degree. I cannot save anything because his salary is not enough to cover our expenses and specially the kids' so I have to help. I am so worn out and I have no idea about what to do, I feel so used. I have been gathering all the information that I can get about his condition but at this point I am at lost on what is the best way thing to do. I love him very much, I love the kids and I want more than anything for us to be happy but I find it hard for that to happen. It is difficult for me to make the decision of just leaving him, so right now I am looking for a solution.